HERE is a list of things I never want to do again in my life.
Get my todger trapped in my Levi’s zip, drive to Brighton on a bank holiday hangover with no air-con, move house.
I’ve learned to not be so hasty when tucking my plumbing away since that 1994 blood-spattered day at a Paris airport.
And you won’t get me to tackle the A23 on a bank holiday for a million pounds.
But this week I’ve been drowning in the utter misery of moving house — and there’s nothing I could do about it.
In a bid to remain chipper during the endless packing, cleaning and shouting down the phone to obtuse utility companies who don’t understand the meaning of “I NO LONGER LIVE AT THIS ADDRESS”, I tried to focus on the positives.
I came up with two. First, I won’t have to listen to the neighbour’s dog greeting the milkman at 6.30am every day.
And second, I got to spend a lot of time driving the Ford Edge, my new wheels for the next few months.
It was a baptism of fire for the hulking SUV, which arrived the week of my move.
But it became an oasis of calm, delivering me from the Jenga jungle of cardboard boxes and spaghetti junction of bare wires hanging from walls.
I started to crave trips to the tip . . . that’s how low I sank.
Ford deserves a round of applause for the tech it’s squeezed in to the Edge
The Edge is Ford’s biggest offering, and the firm hopes to hook punters who normally look to the Audi Q5 or BMW X3.
Tall order, right? To help do this, Ford offers it in Vignale spec — a top-end trim level which adds plusher seats, extra tech and sleeker styling.
Vignale spec is available on a host of Fords, including the Fiesta. On these pages I’ve always had a go at it because to me it doesn’t make much sense, even on the Mondeo.
The extra cost takes the car into German price brackets, and it’s still a Ford.
But on the Edge it works. The improved interior finish seems worth the extra cash on a car this size, and the exclusive range of paint jobs helps it stand out.
Sadly, opting for Vignale trim doesn’t bring with it a more powerful engine.
All versions of the Edge are four-wheel drive, but there’s only a choice of two engines — both diesel — and the more powerful of the two is still only a measly 207bhp.
It doesn’t matter how close Ford has come to achieving a German standard finish, anyone looking for a performance SUV needn’t bother even Googling the word “Edge”.
Handling wise, it’s sure-footed enough, but still not as agile as the X3.
Ford does deserve a round of applause for the tech it’s managed to squeeze into the Edge, though.
Inside the cabin are numerous microphones which can gauge the engine sound and road noise, then produce a sound which cancels it out, delivering a whisper-quiet cabin.
As someone revving the bejezus out of that 2-litre diesel, lugging half a house inside the boot, I can vouch for its brilliance.
And steering is beautifully balanced by the active steer system, which uses an electric motor to soften or stiffen feedback from the wheel.
Ford Edge Key Facts
Engine: 2-litre diesel turbo
Top speed: 131mph
Ford wants the Edge to be judged in the same pageant as SUVs from Audi, BMW and Mercedes.
I think any brand which tries to do that is on a hiding to nothing.
That said, in Vignale spec, it has given rival manufacturers something serious to think about, because it’s a beautifully comfortable car to be inside.
Almost comfortable enough to drive in to Brighton on a bank holiday . . . almost.
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