The 'Succession' Seven: This Is Executive-Level Business, Slime Puppies - UPROXX - LLODO - News

HBO

The Succession Seven is a weekly power ranking of people and things on television’s most power-obsessed show. The rankings are not scientific, not even a little, and could fluctuate wildly from week to week. It’s all very subjective. And it’s my list. So, there.

UNRANKED

Jonah the Footstool — Jonah is like a Greg who isn’t at least family, which means things are about to get very bad for him. Worse than being used as human furniture. He probably graduated from J school. Things could be better for Jonah.

Connor — Connor Roy was interested in politics from a young age.

Michele Pantsil — On one hand, very little screentime and very little headway made on the book. On the other hand, one could argue that true power is making people deuce in the dress pants just by showing up somewhere. Worth keeping an eye on.

Mark Ravenhead — The Walmart Mussolini almost survived — Hitler dog and all — until he became a casualty of the proposed merger. If we never see him again, please note that he looks almost exactly like a face smash of Mark Ruffalo and Max Greenfield from New Girl. Go look at him again. It’s right there. Very eerie.

Tom — Tom is a beautiful man. He’s horrible, too, of course, but kind of hopelessly horrible to a degree it’s almost redeemable. It hurts to bump him out of the rankings. There was just no way to justify keeping him in there, not in an episode that saw him banished to the civilian panic room and have a bottle-heaving meltdown triggered by Greg asking for an “open business relationship” a week after Shiv boinked Dumb Chris in their real open relationship. And he got outflanked by Greg. By Greg! Tom has had better weeks.

7B. Rhea Jarrell (Last week: Unranked)

HBO

Rhea Jarrell:

Is played by Holly Hunter
Tossed a “fuck off” back at Logan

She did not have much more than that going on this week. It was still enough to vault her into the rankings proper. Big fan of Rhea Jarrell.

7A. Roman aka Ron Rockstone aka Dirk Turkey aka Slime Puppy (Last week: 7B)

HBO

Roman was banished to management training. He had to wear a Dirk Turkey costume. He was almost entirely cut from the Waystar corporate video. He couldn’t make himself have phone sex with his girlfriend. He referred to Gerri as “Mommy” early in the episode and then, by the end, was blasting his rocket to a soundtrack of her calling him names. Roman has enough issues to keep a bus full of mental health professionals busy for a decade or two. He’s awful and mean and broken and sad and he’s basically the best character on the show.

It’s strange. Explaining it further than that is hard and should not be attempted in a short blurb. He would probably love it if Gerri called him a short blurb. Sorry, sorry. We’re all still figuring this out.

6. Shiv (Last week: 2)

HBO

PROS

– Brought into the fold, even temporarily, even if it was a secret
– Was nice to Kendall at the end
– Realized her path to the throne is not realistically blocked by Kendall (doesn’t know exactly why, but knows) or Roman (lol)

CONS

– Really did not stand out in the negotiations with Rhea
– Got a “Siobhan. Please!” from Logan, which seems bad because a) being told to shut up in front of an outsider like that is a bad sign, and b) it’s also a bad sign any time a parent uses a child’s full name in a sharp tone
– Might actually still have to worry about Kendall, despite his assurances, based in part on the negotiations and in part on Kendall being the first and only child Logan inquired about on his way into the panic room

Not a great first day!

The ‘Succession’ Seven: This Is Executive-Level Business, Slime Puppies – UPROXX

UNRANKED

7B. Rhea Jarrell (Last week: Unranked)

7A. Roman aka Ron Rockstone aka Dirk Turkey aka Slime Puppy (Last week: 7B)

6. Shiv (Last week: 2)

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